I spend ALOT of time researching parenting- generally looking for scientific evidence to support/ disprove many of the common parenting techniques of the moment. Now, if I’m honest, I am not a huge fan of clinical studies but for many, many parents science is the only way to be sure they are doing the right thing. Our Parenting Instincts have been being eroded slowly but surely by “Experts” in the field, and these days you can’t wipe your childs bottom without being told you’re using the wrong technique. Go to your local bookstore and you will find literally hundreds of parenting manuals….what the hell happened to our intuition? However, my point is, when parents (Mothers in particular) ask for my advice/view on a certain parenting subject I like to be armed with knowledge.
One subject that seems to circulate on a constant basis is that of SLEEP. There are so many theories and guide books on this one subject it’s enough to leave any new parent bamboozled, but the two main camps are divided between allowing baby’s to ‘Cry-It-Out’ and those who choose to respond quickly and attentively to their baby (yup, even at night!)
Before we get into the whys and wherefores of this very sensitive subject let me explain one fundamental point:
Yes, I HAVE BEEN TIRED. I have been so tired that I have hallucinated, so tired that I have fallen asleep on the toilet and so tired that I have had to pull over when driving.
So, why did I not resort to leaving my baby daughter to cry in her cot in order to teach herself to sleep? Because it felt wrong. It feels wrong when I see a woman pushing a pram with a screaming baby in while she browses rails of clothes and it feels wrong when a crying child is left behind in a supermarket aisle for having a tantrum. The bottom line is- seeing a child who is asking for guidance and love and being ignored feels WRONG.
There are a lot of parents who believe nighttime is their time, and baby needs to be taught not to interrupt it, well I’ve got news for them…a baby is a 24 hour-a-day responsibility. They have no idea when ‘Adult Time’ starts. Unlike you, they are acting on their instincts, and if they wake in the night and need a cuddle, guess who’s job it is to provide one? Yes, you guessed it YOURS! Have you ever woken up in the night gasping for a drink of water? Or the munchies? Or had a bad dream and just needed some reassurance? Well these are things that babies go through too, except unlike you they don’t have the ability to solve these problems themselves so they ask for your help, that’s what a baby’s cry is for- to spur you into action. A baby’s cry says “Mum/Dad help me, something’s not right”.
If you ignored your childs cry all day you would be seen as neglecting their needs- so why does this not apply at night? Because you’re too tired to respond?
What prompted me to write about this issue was a question I saw posted on a website, it read:
“Is there any actual scientific research that shows that the “crying it out” or “extinction” method of sleep training for infants (at 8.5 months old) ALONE is enough to cause psychological damage or an attachment disorder (specifically an insecure/ambivalent or insecure/avoidant attachment)? I am only talking about crying it out when the infant is healthy and not hungry, in a non-abusive family where the mother stays at home and is loving and nurturing.”
There have been several moments in my life as a Mother when I have felt angry, upset and downright frustrated by much of the advice out there for parents, but reading this question just reminded me about how far we have strayed from our inner workings and emotions. It is against nature to ignore your childs cries, it is todays emphasis on ‘ME time’ that leads parents to believe that their baby should sleep all though the night without a peep. The question above does not ask what is best for the child, merely whether leaving them to cry alone in their cot will cause permanent psychological harm…let’s look at this a different way. Will leaving a young child to watch violent films cause long term harm? Perhaps, perhaps not…but is it good for the child?! I don’t believe many parents choose to let their babies cry-it-out because they think it is best for their baby, I believe they do this because they think it will be best for them. Better for their social-life, for their marital life, better for the babysitter, but not better for their baby. And the reason questions like the one above are asked on parenting forums all the time is because deep down they know it feels wrong. Not one parent I know who has used this method has said they found it easy, “I had to lock myself in the bathroom” “I had to bite on a pillow” “My husband had to stop me going up there”. Well it’s hard because every natural instinct left in your body is urging you to go and soothe your baby.
So, look, I know you’re tired, I know you miss your TV shows, I know you want to have your dinner at a certain time, but you have to ask yourself if TV and a set dinner time are ultimately more important than your baby’s health. Answer your baby’s cries, it’s what nature wants you to do.
If you are one of the people that loves facts and figures (and I totally get that some do) I have included references to studies that have been done on infant sleep. I have also linked to some excellent articles and questions asked by parents to Childhood Experts.
“Infant Crying and Maternal Responsiveness”
Silvia M. Bell, Mary D. Salter Ainsworth
Child Development, Vol. 43, No. 4 (Dec., 1972), pp. 1171-1190
http://links.jstor.org/sici?sici=0009-3920(197212)43%3A4%3C1171%3AICAMR%3E2.0.CO%3B2-T
Harvard University Gazette
“Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say”
http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNeedTou.html
Psychiatric Times
“Brain Development, Attachment and Impact on Psychic Vulnerability”
http://psychiatrictimes.com/p980547.html
Natural Child Project
“Emotional Learning in Infants: A Cross-Cultural Examination”
http://www.naturalchild.com/research/emotional_learning_infants.html
BabyCenter
“Ask the Experts:
Are we damaging our baby by letting him cry himself to sleep?”
http://www.babycenter.com/expert/2644.html
The Times
“Children ’should sleep with parents until they’re five’”
Sian Griffiths
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2087-2179265,00.html
The Observer
“Science shows up Supernanny”
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,1345420,00.html
Controlled Crying Position Paper
http://www.earlychildhoodaustralia.org.au/Controled%20Crying.pdf
“Crying Anything but “Good for Their Lungs”"
http://www.evalillian.com/Crying.aspx
“Stress in Infancy”
by Linda Folden Palmer, D.C.
http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/linda_folden_palmer2.html